Chesticular Fortitude

I wrote this story when my now almost fifteen year old son was five. I know he will eventually bring this stuff up during therapy. Until then, enjoy!

If there is one thing that I’ve learned as a parent it’s that each child is different and should come with their own parenting manual. Since no such Baby Bible exists, the ex and I typically flew by the seat of our pants, with a little help from very knowledgeable grandparents and a stiff shot of whiskey here and there. However, recently there was a situation that neither experienced grandparents nor hard liquor could help; it was how to cope with our five year old son and his infatuation with lovely lady lumps.

Yes, my son discovered the beauty of a woman’s breasts and for the past several weeks, we’ve been fighting the battle of the booby. I’m not sure that I can put my finger on when his infatuation began, but it’s sure been a nipply situation to deal with. In hindsight, I remember Caid being abnormally interested in whether or not I would be changing into my pajamas at night and if it would be necessary for me to remove my shirt. Thinking that this sweet little man-child was concerned with his momma’s need for my warmth, I would give him a big hug and he would always squeeze me back. All the while, he’d be pressing his little cherubic face firmly against my chesticles, looking like the Cheshire cat. The saga continued and every now and then I’d find a stray Victoria’s Secret catalog curled up under his Fisher Price racetrack, strangely dog-eared and marked up with crayon.

Even with those circumstances, I still wasn’t convinced that my sweet little angel was becoming interested in the female anatomy… Sure, he would stop dead in his tracks when a Playtex Cross Your Heart commercial came on and yeah, I did think it was a little strange that he’d always offer to fold my laundry, but then again, maybe he was just earning brownie points for Santa? It wasn’t until I had a conversation with his preschool teacher did I learn of the significance of his desire to be closer to the pillow buddies.

After weighing the facts of the case, I asked Miss K if Caid had ever made any off the wall ta-tas comments while in class. She looked at me with a little surprise and her facial expressions quickly turned to shock.

“You know, last week while we were doing our exercises, Caid just stopped and stared while I was doing jumping jacks. I thought he was just trying to see how I was doing it, but his eyes were focused on… Oh my!”

That was it. I knew then and there that my man-child had been macking on his preschool teacher. It was time for the ex to intervene before things got even more out of hand and other women were victimized by Caid’s wandering peepers. I knew this certainly wasn’t my area so I instructed the ex on some of the areas to cover…privacy, implications of being a Peeping Tom, etc., etc… I did my own internet research and spoke with other moms of boys and discovered that his current obsession with lactoids was rather innocent in nature. In other words, he knew what he liked; he just didn’t know why he liked them. He was finally noticing that girls and boys had differences, and boy did he like what he was seeing!

The ex called Caid into the bedroom one night while I stayed in the living room with Gun-Gun and Taterbug. Taterbug noticed C-dub’s absence and asked why the boys were having a talk that she was not included in on. I didn’t know what to say but being the brainiac that she is, she quickly asked, “Is it because of that boob thing? I don’t know what his problem is but he’d better stop staring at yours Mom. It’s weird.”

The conversation was brief yet effective as I am once again safe to dress and undress in the comfort of my own room, and without the offering assistance of C-dub. I still have to deal with Gun-Gun and his hooter infatuation but at least he’s a little less vocal and certainly not as obvious with his affections. C-dub seems no worse for wear and he’s back to playing monster trucks and racing his cars with never a mention of his previous bigguns’ affliction. I truly look forward to the day when I can give a copy of this blog to his first girlfriend ;o).

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